2011年7月25日星期一

Friends with Benefits? Well, It’s Complicated

Jul. 22 2011 - 6:39 pm 
Looks like the just released  Friends with Benefits is going to be a big hit. The early reviews will definitely help.  Manohla Dargis in the NY Times writes it’s “a breezy, speedy and (no kidding) funny comedy with a nicely matched Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis.” Peter Debruge notes “Kunis is a natural with comedy, and now we know she can carry a movie, while Timberlake exudes the kind of star wattage that put Will Smith on top.”
See for yourself, the trailer reveals some PG sparkle from this R-rated rom-com.
But there’s more here to pull people into theaters than star power, witty sit-com timing, and genre bending play. There’s even more, as Juliet Lapidos complains about at Slate, than just the post Harry and Sally cliche that men and women (especially gorgeous, athletic, successful—basically sexy—men and women) can’t be “just friends.”
What there is is sex. Messy, fleshy sex and what it does to people. Friends with Benefits is an effervescent pop-culture attempt at wrangling messy, disregulating sexual experiences into neat, well-regulated categories. You gotta love ‘em for trying. When Kunis’ character says “No emotions, just sex” and then immediately puts the kibosh on Timberlake’s character’s cliched stab at being emotionally supportive, the movie is not just turning a standard romantic comedy cliche on it’s head. Rather, it’s offering soothing reassurance to everyone who has ever felt the out-of-control demi-madness sexual experience can bring—let’s get down to business and do it right! Because the two are not “in a relationship” they felt free to go sex crazy, and they had tremendous fun doing it.
Of course, having so much pleasure with another person is going to leave its mark. So, forget Hollywood’s refracted vision, does it actually work to be a friend with benefits in real life where everyone is much more complicated, needier, and not quite so beautiful. What happens to friendship once sex starts playing a role? Can people just ignore all the psychological, as well as physiological, consequences of sexual experience?
In a word, no. You can’t ignore the consequences of sex anymore than you can those of baseball, dinner, or spending a hot summer afternoon giggling together in a cool movie theater. But sex is even more powerful. Trying to be “friends with benefits” is like trying to make ice cream in a hot oven. It’s the flip-side of a sexless relationship, which is like trying to cook a steak in the freezer. Something’s going to give. With FwB sometimes people become lovers, other times a couple. Often the sex just stops. Or the friendship. Or both.
Unfortunately, ice cream in the oven can also make a real mess. Rebecca Plante, a sociologist at Ithaca College, has been part of a team conducting a multi-campus interview study about sexuality. Concerning the friends with benefits arrangement she said:
“research shows that perhaps the most frequent consequence is awkwardness, accompanied by strained or ceased contact and eventually either future hook ups or the resumption of a non-sexual friendship”
So why bother trying?
“Friends with benefits is a way to explore some sexuality within a friendship, an existing framework of some care and knowledge of one another”
via “Friends with Benefits” Lets Couples Get Close But Not Too Close.
Of course, college students are a unique demographic still relatively untarnished by adult life. My clinical experience is consistent but different as one would expect knowing older people for a longer period of time who have less of a need to explore and a greater need to get on with their lives. For adults, what I’ve seen is that FwB status is usually  transitional, both in intent and outcome. Instead of looking for Mr. or Ms. Right, it’s a way of enjoying Mr. or Ms. “She/He will do for now.”  Like the movie, it’s often a way to find someone while on the rebound. Or like Natalie Portman in last year’s No Strings Attached, its a sexual rest area when someone is  just too busy with career. It’s a way to go sex crazy in “an existing framework of some care and knowledge of one another”  rather than trying to do so with a stranger or with someone who may have different expectations. It may put a friendship at risk, but life is risk.
So, does this all mean one shouldn’t try? Of course not, especially if it’s with Justin Timberlake or Mila Kunis. But don’t expect it to work out as planned. Remember, once those benefits are in the picture, it’s complicated.

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